Monday, 05 September 2011

•  miss him a lot today, but I miss him everyday. I've known him since November of 2010, and he has changed my life completely.

  Things took a turn for the worse this past week. Nothing was ever perfect between us, and nor will it ever be, but I feel that it is over.

  He taught me things no one else has. He taught me I need to grow up, something people have only stated to me, but it never really got though.

  It took losing him to realize how much I do need to grow up. 

  My heart is numb at this point. I have been in love before but never like this. Never to the point where I have actually put so much of myself into a relationship. Completely opening myself up, but that was the dilemma. I realized that there are some things that some people shouldn't know. I put too much into it, when he didn't. It wasn't that he didn't show he loved me, I knew he did. He always took care of me, always provided for me, but I couldn't provide for myself. I said that I still needed time to figure out what i wanted to do with my life, which was very much true and still is, but I became lazy. It look losing him to make me realize that I cannot sit here day after day hoping something is going to change. I need to make the change myself, and he taught me that. I honestly don't think i have ever learned so much from someone while dating them, and I will forever appreciate that. 

  It's very difficult for me to go through a break-up, but I'm almost positive that's the case with everyone. All I want to do is to talk to him and work it out, but I can't because he needs his space. I'm not used to that. It kills me not being able to call him and him answer the phone. I'm stuck. It's like being such a dark place and searching for the light but you never find it. My heart is like an empty hole. It urges to be filled again with love. Not with just anyone's love. I want his. Our love was never easy, and it was not romantic all the time. It was more of like every time I just glanced at him, and he'd look back at me with those blue eyes, my heart would just melt. I'd think "God, you are amazing." A split second was all it ever took. 

  I want to feel that again. I miss his arms being around me. I miss the way he kissed me. I miss looking at him and him saying "Staring at people is rude." I miss him laughing at him when I tried to act tough. I miss his chest, his smell, his lips, his eyes, everything..

  Nothing will ever be as it was. I would kill for us to work everything out, but I know that I need to work on myself before that ever happens. He will always mean the world to me, and I will always love him and cherish him..but maybe we're not meant to be together..this whole thing is breaking me. Not just my heart but ME. I feel like I'm missing half of me, like i lost my best friend and he's never coming back. I don't want to feel incomplete anymore. If he only knew how much of a disaster I feel..but i know that wouldn't change anything..

  I just want to wish him the best of luck with everything in his life. He deserves happiness more than anyone I have ever met, and If I cannot give him that, I pray someone else can. 

  I'll always love you Michael.

   

  

  And I will forever miss you.

  • 11:10 PM
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